Illusions of control

Controlling people are often being controlled by others.  Then, they control other people more.  They all become entangled in victim lifestyle.  Chronic victims do not choose to take steps toward healing.

Control and being controlled is not about others. You and I are in some ways controlled and controlling others.  It may not be dysfunctional, however.

We could be in dangerous places in relationships that matter a great deal to others and us.


 Do I find myself controlling my need to feel hurt with draining behaviors and emotions? Victims relish disorder and discomfort so they never believe they are safe.  

Let me get more personal, here.  Do you and I somehow get energy from our illusion of control?

               Unmanageable places in my experience

The first foundational block in 12-step recovery program journeys toward healing is recognizing details of unmanageable cycles that are entirely too big for me to fix. 

I can't make whatever "this" unmanageable and overwhelming mountain go away. I can't control this.

Addicted people play manipulation games with those close to them in tangled webs of selfishness. It's a twisted and warped reality. In this game world, personal responsibility is virtually lost.  The victim does not choose to free themselves from these games that don't care for the welfare of others.  Everything is about them and their need to be in control.

One way prideful and controlling behaviors surface is in conversations in my own experience.  That is, for myself. Recently in a conversation with several others in a long trip, I was very uncomfortable what I saw the others doing.  I was wiggling in my seat.  Wow, they are bad.

                              My need to be in control
Then, with both barrels, I recognized I am every bit and more of a controlling person.  I was still wiggling but it was about me. I clearly realized these habitual behaviors:

First, I need to have the last word.

Second, I need to be right.

Third, I need to win the argument.

Fourth, I am not a caring listener.

Fifth, I am not respecting the other person's ideas and feelings.

                           Breaking through illusions 
Because I must apparently feel superior to others, I work at gaining an illusion of control.  This is a very real need to feel respected for my knowledge.

"I am experienced," I say.  "I know about this.  I read books and went to great classes, lots of them." 

Paul wrote: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." ~Ephesians 4:29

Paul again, "...And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness..." ~2 Timothy 2:23-25 

 Jesus stated, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."  ~Matthew 7:1-5  

I am a very empathetic listener.  I know that.  It is real.  There are times when my guard is down and I am simply not listening. It just might not be in my head, at all.  When I am in this "need to be right" mentality, I am interrupting.  I am rude.

I know these "need to be right" experiences are more than I am remembering.

The controlling person that needs the most transforming is me.  That is the Lord's chosen business for me.  I need to take care of my own business, here.  

 How about you?