Detaching with love

"Get me that other Bible.  Bring it to us," Jon demanded, "Jason told us to get as many Bible versions as we can." Jon is an inmate at a unit table at the Maleng Regional Justice Center detention facility in Kent.   

He was in full speed ahead, high gear, manipulation and control mode to get me to jump at his demands.  I was feeling his pressure and getting pulled in.   Others in the unit surrounding our interchange were listening and watching closely.

                      Manipulation and control strategies

Addiction-based behaviors actively manipulate and control others around them.  Addictive behaviors abuse both the user and people closest to them.  Manipulation and control are ingredients of the addiction recipe-- insidious sins that suck others into diseased sin.  

Defined, insidious plans to intentionally entrap or beguile.  It proceeds in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually intends grave effects.

Jon didn't stop, even with that.  I had already provided a beautiful Nelson New King James Study Bible, the very Bible I use myself while serving as a PFC chaplain--a really quality Bible. I exhorted those with Jon to dig into the resource they already have freely available to them. 

As I  stepped away from Jon's table,  he demanded, nearly yelling, I get people in his church to visit him--one more shot. I am aware his community group and church leaders know exactly where Jon is. 

Jon was not about digging into another Study Bible.  He made it out that it was completely on me to give him what he wanted...and right now.  I was to feel compelled to jump so he could show others he is in control. 

I was getting taken in by his strategy.  He was getting very briefly what he wanted to gain control over me. Inmates know they have no power in jail so they do many things as a strategy to control people around them.

As soon as I became aware, I chose to take care of myself by detaching from this craziness. I needed to apply biblical truth from the tremendous input I am receiving around Celebrate Recovery on Thursday nights at Kent Covenant Church.

                         Detaching with love

I am exploring detaching with love around addictive inmates and others I am sharing with.  We stay healthy by choosing to stay away from the craziness that can escalate to insanity.

I am applying Scripture on detachment with love using an Al-anon text called, "Hope for today," one of many resources providing thoughtful meditations for family members and friends coping with addiction and abuse all around us.

As we work through detaching, an intense awareness builds up around an awkward upswing of anxiety. The increased stress is structured around idols--people and things which we allow ourselves, now not just other addicted ones, to reign over and control us.

I make choices allowing these things to cause me pain, so I have to make a decision to consider the source and actively let these things go with the power of the Holy Spirit.  I need to be very much aware where and who this pain is coming from.

Living in God's love is required to exercise detachment.  It is in the very character of godly Christ-likeness. Detaching with love, then, requires actively engaging in God's definition of love--

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.  

~1 Corinthians 13:4-8  

                        Choosing boundaries

A useful word picture for letting go or putting off the craziness away from us is establishing and maintaining our boundaries. I live inside my hula hoop by minding my own business and taking care of myself.

I learned to mentally construct a safe picket fence or rock wall.  We can see and hear each other but we stay right where we are.  Staying inside my hula hoop personal space, I may excuse myself from the crazy-making coming in many forms from addictive personalities.  Setting safe boundaries is both loving and caring.

At the MRJC unit, I needed to leave the table and maybe not with complete calm to regain my right, godly purposes.  This is not selfish but shows more love and care although they didn't see it that way.

                   Separate from crazy-making

Here, I stay inside my hula hoop or on my side of the fence.  I am minding my own business and taking care of myself.  I need to leave the world alone especially if they are not asking for my help.  Those tangled in addiction are most often not asking for help.  They want to make us crazy with them so we are diseased, too.

I have learned to not give answers to questions others are not asking.

Things to detach from, or let go, in love:

• disappointment
• hurt
• accusations
• sadness
• taking offense
• fear
• judging others
• bitterness
• resentment
• anger
• stress

The Bible speaks directly about anxiety or, old-fashioned worry--things causing you and me to get swallowed up by manipulation and control.  Make no mistake--those who are engaged in addiction and abuse are active and again, insidious, manipulators and controllers.

David said--

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.  ~Psalm 37:4-5

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.  ~Psalm 55:22

Jesus said--

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  ~Matthew 6:25 

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.   ~John 14:1

Paul said--

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  ~Philippians 4:6 

Peter said--

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ~1 Peter 5:6-8 

As I am listening to others trying to suck me into their habits of addictions and abuse, then, in detaching with love, I choose again to not be the teacher, their guru, or answer guy.  David, Jesus, Paul, and Peter even command us to roll our anxieties over to the Lord and "let it go" in Christ-like love.

We may say...
"I hear what you are saying.  I'm sure you will find a creative solution.  I will listen."

"What choices are available?" 

"How are you going to move ahead?"

create a peaceful place

Their answers come from them.  In setting solid boundaries, I regain my godly purpose to love them still more by not giving into them with supposed answers they probably won't take on anyway because it is our solutions, not their own. They have no stake in the answer if it is not their own. Continuing to listen is an option but you and I may need to create a peaceful place or...

leave the room, 

        take a walk, 

              hit some golf balls, 

                     watch children play at a nearby park, 

                              go away to get a cup of coffee...

Pray. Regain your balance.  Take a deep breath.  Pray.

                                         
When we detach in love, God's people are messengers of His hope and recovery as we point them directly to Jesus  We provide genuine love and forgiveness that Jesus offers.  We are not the answer.  That is not for us to give.  He will set them, and us, free.