Feelings lacking confidence

"I don't know if I feel confident Jesus stays with me," Darrell confided in a one-to-one conversation with me at the Maleng Regional Justice Center Jail, recently. 

"When I have been in jail before, I read the Bible and for awhile I feel really good.  I talked to people about God and the Bible. A little later even that day I don't feel so good. 

"I am not sure if God is still with me. 

"When I get released from jail, I have just gone back to my old lifestyle. I  get in trouble with people, get picked up, and I'm back in jail.  It is like all the stuff about God never happened. I go in circles."

Darrell is locked up in fear and pain.

Darrell is incarcerated but not by the King County Detention Center.  I became just so clear prayer was required to care for Darrell.  He has not known to do any different.   Other chaplains shared these things with him.  There was no definite plan he put in place to get to a safe place with people who would encourage him to make a habit and lifetime of walking with God around a street ministry, gospel mission, or a local church.

Darrell kept asking about how he should feel.  At one point, he probed, "Am I a Christian only when I am feeling really good?...Does He leave me when I don't feel anything?"

Inmates return to what they know

Transition hours right after release are critical for every inmate.  Most need hand-holding through those first hours and days.  If there are substance abuse issues, as is most common, fellow users are right there to get the released man right back into the mire.

Darrell goes back to what he knows.  Unless something changes that is radical, unless he makes very deliberate plans to do something else, he will return to the way he knows.   Darrell jumps back into entangled gang relationships and activities.  

While serving with Prisoners for Christ, I minister alongside jail ministry staff from the Seattle Union Gospel Mission team.  I am connecting Darrell to my UGM friends to explore these things.

He was presented the saving message of Christ in a juvenile detention facility.  I patiently shared the gospel message with him several months ago and he acted like he was hearing for the first time but he waffled and wiggled.  Well, he said, yes, he heard it before and it seemed to feel real.  At least one other chaplain presented the message to him at the MRJC.  He has gone through several levels of first time and assurance prayer experiences.  

I followed up several times.  He is very friendly and seemed eager to talk but he did a little "avoidance soft shoe."  After awhile,  he doesn't want to meet.  There are other gang members and unit guys pulling him away.   He follows easily. 

Overcoming fickle feelings

Disciples follow Jesus

A Christian follows Christ.  We see what that looks like in the Matthew 5 beatitudes for the new  and seasoned saint.  This is the bold print of discipleship.  The first beatitude in verse 3 says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."  ~Matthew 5:3

Jesus announced very special people follow Him in radical ways. The followers of Jesus recognize they are unable, they don't have it in them without the power of God to cope with the daily realities of life.  "Poor in spirit" means abject so utter and complete spiritual inability.  

Abject poor

They are desperate for God to meet them where they really are and theirs is the kingdom of heaven. The followers of Jesus are wholly given over to God.  They don't push in the flesh to get these things.  God gives His followers peace and comfort in giving ourselves to Him.  

Amidst daily jail unit life, Darrell admitted when things get a little frustrating he ends up yelling and cursing.  He gets out of control and then gets in trouble. 

I inquired, "How is that working out?"  He is 18 or 19 and he admitted it is not working well, at all.  Some inmates  approve and support his disruptions.  

They are the ones Paul speaks about, "Though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them." ~Romans 1:32.

Trusting Jesus

I took him Darrell to what Solomon has to say--

    Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
        and do not lean on your own understanding.
    In all your ways acknowledge him,
        and he will make straight your paths.  ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting in, leaning everything on the Lord is speaking of giving everything to God.  It speaks of a whole heart spirit and Solomon said it is, "with all your heart." What is "your own understanding"?  It is all about the way we usually think and our usual habits of life.  That way isn't leaning and trusting in the Lord.

We go deeper in prayer

Wherever the Lord plants you and me to care for others, we simply must learn to plead with God in prayer.  

Under best conditions, we battle through deep trials in prayer.  Some are caught in really deep places.  Those of us who are called go to those places to extend ropes of God's deliverance need deeper and deeper prayer. 

Parts of the jail and prison experience are very depressing, even debilitating.  My own real experience through some days involves ups and downs.  I go through occasional two to five minutes of feeling low, frustrated, even depressed.  I learned not to stay there.These things are never defeated without growing in prayer.

Anchored on God and His promises

Proven experience with God is not based on feeling either high or low but what God speaks to about Himself, who He is, and what He says He will do, His promises for His blessed followers. 

From one of the most comforting chapters in the Bible, David wrote:

    Where shall I go from your Spirit?
        Or where shall I flee from your presence?
    If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
        If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
    If I take the wings of the morning
        and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
    even there your hand shall lead me,
        and your right hand shall hold me.
    If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
        and the light about me be night,”
    even the darkness is not dark to you;
        the night is bright as the day,
        for darkness is as light with you.  ~Psalm 139:7-12

The Lord uses His Scripture to teach Darrell how to feel by reading and directly asking the Lord.  I suggested he go back to Matthew 5:3, not just read it several times, but memorize and then carefully meditate on it.  He could start with Matthew 5:3 and then go to a couple other verses I referred to as "go to" texts.  These are verses God uses to really help us when needed the most. 

Scripture memory:  REVIEW TIMES THREE

The three rules for memorizing Scripture are the same: REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW.  Memorizing a text means "word perfect" with what each person can do.  It is totally right-on to go back and check it out as many times as we need to.  Going back for further review is part of the memory process, not cheating.  

Darrell's Bible is carefully marked.  Verses are boxed or starred.  He is using a Contemporary English Translation.  Great.  Awesome!  Throughout our time together,  he immediately located designated texts.   He says he reads his Bible most days and seemed to want to try the Scripture memory.

Keep praying and sharing 

Even as our time together concludes, Darrell was unsure, again.  He seemed to be tracking all along.  "How should I feel?  I'm not sure. Is the Lord still with me?"  I reminded him to ask God to teach him how to feel.  I am in that unit several times a week. He can send a kite request or approach me.  What did he get from our time together?