Bringing our shame to Jesus

"I feel like everyone was staring at the back of my head at worship service."  This man felt shaming guilt from a sequence of really poor choices around his family that led to a divorce.  

In our local church family, a couple transparently shared a very painful family experience in a Sunday School class I was leading.  It seemed healing and good as I led the class, really good.  We prayed and several acted empathetic and caring.  Somehow, critical and painful things were said later by someone.  What appeared to be a safe refuge in our class was not for them, at all. They stopped coming to our class for a long time.  Thankfully, they remain in our church family and have opened up again, over time.
 

                   Pride sets the whole thing on fire

As all of this ugly embarrassment and shame gets stirred up, self-righteous pride sets the whole thing on fire.  Some actively protect their shame from exposure and are defensive about talking about it so nobody or setting will ever be a safe shelter from the storm. If a person suffered abuse in the past, they may be looking for new ways to be shamed.

Most people don't talk about their scars and shame.  Some are the very real walking wounded.  You and I may be hiding our shame we have lived with for a long time. 

Everyone is not experiencing oppressive shame but more are than we know about or we are able to see.  Some spend prolonged seasons covering up. How would you describe your family experience?  Have you experienced the pangs of this pain?  Many are not intending to shame others.  Those who are shamed often shame others closest to them.  


                        AFLAC missions tables
Last week at our home Faith Baptist Church, I participated as a full-time missionary with Prisoners for Christ Outreach Ministries in a mini-missions emphasis around "A Faith Church Lunch After Church," AFLAC.  

Tables were set up all around the sanctuary with many missionaries represented.  I met  many children and shared with some parents and couples.  We are getting to know new families in our church body who joined us just in the last two years.

             Recovering at the MRJC
At the Maleng Regional Justice Center, Reggie shared about a really stable pastor and wife who are his spiritual parents.  He struggles as a substance abuser so that  when he is using he doesn't want to be near his church family.

"Staying away when I am about to use or am already drunk is how I was thinking I needed to show respect for them. On this latest time, I drove to the church and wouldn't come in. I was a mess. The pastor came out to the car to help me.  He laid hands on me and prayed.  At first, angry cursing blurted out of me.  Then, I remember falling back in my seat and felt the Lord's presence."


When he needs the love and protection of the people who care for him the most, it isn't respect that keeps him away but guilt and shame. His shame boils up all around pride. He is embarrassed because so many people in the church family and Rescue Mission community have faithfully cared for him.  


He acknowledged he needs to be with his church and faith community when he stumbles and is feeling shame.  His brain is programmed to isolate him from those he needs the most.  The adversary, the very enemy of his soul, accuses him. 

                        Shelters or leaking shacks

leaking roof over shack

It only takes one or two voices to turn shelters from the storms of shame to just another leaking shack we cannot trust.  Our families and churches are only as safe as you and I are and what we are willing to risk.  

Jesus met a shamed woman in John 4.  He was traveling with His disciples through the hated Samaria and stopped because He was weary.  It was about noon.  

The ESV Study Bible note informs us, "Sixth hour refers to noon, when it would have been hot and time to rest, and travelers would be thirsty. Normally, women would come to draw water in the morning or evening when it was cooler (Gen. 24:11; cf. 29:7–8); the immoral woman comes at a time when no one else would be at the well."

This woman was an adulteress and openly shamed in her community.  As John unfolds the account, we are told Jesus knew her heart and everything about her.  

At a recent Celebrate Recovery session, a guest counselor suggested a path to healing shame could be found in entering into this story with Jesus and the woman at the well in John 4.  She directed us to insert our own names whenever the woman acted and spoke.  Substitute your pain and shame when the woman and Jesus exchange about her immorality. Take it as far as you can.  There might not be a total fit.  She called this an "inventory of shame."

Here is the account in the English Standard Version:

Jacob's well at

So he came to a town of Samaria called Sychar, near the field that Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there; so Jesus, wearied as he was from his journey, was sitting beside the well. It was about the sixth hour.  A woman from Samaria came to draw water. 

Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” (For his disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.) 

The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) 

Samaritan woman and Jesus

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” 

The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” 



Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 

Jesus offers living water

The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”
    
Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.” 

The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” 

Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.” 

The woman said to him, “Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you say that in Jerusalem is the place where people ought to worship.” 

Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” 

The woman said to him, “I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things.” 

Jesus said to her, “I who speak to you am he.”
~John 4:5-26


                                  Run to Jesus
The first step is to run to Jesus. Really, running to Jesus is all the steps.  In this case, we focus on the woman and ourselves. There is most often way more going on in and around shame than we have been willing to speak or think about.  Jesus brings the real truth about our families and you and me to light.  He also invites us to drink His living water.  He says He Himself is the Living Water.  He is promising the indwelling Holy Spirit and overflowing deliverance and healing from all sin and shame.

The second step in running to Jesus is to recognize what God says about Himself and how He loves us. Like the woman who spoke with Jesus in Sychar, might we perceive Jesus is speaking directly to you and me?  He is dealing with our very specific issues of really painful wounds inflicted upon us as well as our own pride and cover-up.  He forever frees us from being victims and offers His Living Water.  We come to realize what Jesus says is true about our shame.The deep love of God is the cure for shame. Jesus Christ delivers us from a lifetime shame.  

The third step is to give yourself time and attention.  Give yourself time for quality rest and retreat. This is not running away or another avenue for hiding.  Run to Jesus! Read the Scriptures and listen to Him.  Get His help.  Submit to the voice of the Holy Spirit. 

The church body is made up of a community in various stages of God's continuing healing.  Some are more wounded than others. Some have not discovered the Messiah's healing for them.  They may have been wandering around the church building for a long time and it seemed like just another leaking shack in their lives.  

The Lord Himself also plants safe people and places in our churches who are gifted with His mercy.  Meet with a merciful person or small group, these people may be a refuge or shelter from the storms of shame. Some pastors are very good counselors and can refer you to a gifted counselor inside or around the church to walk us to the practical help we need.   


The fourth step is to memorize and meditate on Scripture.  Read the Psalms as it teaches us to pray over many situations and emotional stages.  A list of verses to start with are Matthew 11:28-30, John 3:3-6, Romans 8:1 and 10, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Galatians 2:20, Ephesians 2:4-6 and 10, Colossians 2:9-10, 1 John 4:17.


The fifth step is to read on addictive behaviors and shame.  If these things are stirring and you like to read, You might consider reading:
"Spiritual depression," by Martyn Lloyd Jones  I read this and keep referring to it
"Instruments in the Redeemer's hands," by Paul David Tripp same as above
"Healing the shame that binds you," by John Bradshaw
"Safe people," by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
"Emotionally healthy spirituality," by Peter Scazzero
"Subtle power of spiritual abuse," by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderon
"Toxic faith," by Stephen Arterburn
"Recovering from churches that abuse," by Robert Enroth